mattopia :: i see dumb people

Well, I decided I needed to end 2009 with more than one post throughout the year.  So here it is!

I was recently engaged in a conversation with my good friend Molly.  The question on the table was:  Is there a difference between “douche” and ‘douche bag?”  I believe there is:

A “douche” is someone who just did something, well, douche-y.  It’s a short lived, temporary title.  It’s also possible for oneself to be aware that they are, or were, a “douche.”  I would say we have all been a douche at some point.  I certainly have.

Example:  Damn, you just ate my last cookie.  Douche.

Now, on to “douche bag.”  I define a douche bag as someone who regularly performs douche-y actions.  Someone who perhaps intends to be a douche.  It’s a more permanent title, and it’s one I reserve primarily for road rage.

Example: Look at that douche bag.  He’s been hogging the lane so that no one can pass, and now that I’m past him he’s speeding up.  Oh look, he’s texting while he’s driving 75 down the freeway.

I hope that clears the air!

I’ve been paying for a Dreamhost account and for TypePad for quite some time now.  I liked TypePad because there’s no web app to maintain and periodically upgrade – they do that for me.

Well, Dreamhost offers fully maintained WordPress installs, so I moved my blog over there and get to save about $8/month on Typepad.  Every lil’ bit counts.

holy shit, has it really been that long?  i know i’ve been known to do some crafty april fools stuff in the past.  this year, the joke is that i’m actually updating my site.

hello audience.  i’m matt.  it’s been quite awhile, so most of you may not remember me.  i used to frequent this joint with interesting things to say.  these days – not so much.

i’d like to say i’ve moved on to some terrible social networking site, but not really.  i do spend the odd minute over at the book of faces, but i still don’t "get the point."  i guess in the world of web 2.0 i’m the crusty old guy who yells at the neighbor kids to get off my lawn.

so, what’s been new?  i’m glad you asked.  not a whole lot of anything.  most of you know that i’m now a homeowner.  surprisingly enough, the house is still structurally intact and the lawn is only partially dead.  the to-do list isn’t getting much shorter — it’s due for some HVAC work sometime soon.  the furnace sounds like it’s a member of a bushmen tribe when it starts up.

oh, and check this shit out.  i have my own office at work now.  has a door and everything movin’ on up!  i’ve also been working a bit less, as there are slightly fewer fires to put out during a normal day.  i’m in the process of hiring someone to assist with some of the day to day stuff so that i can free my valuable time up for frequent masturb…  eh, i mean, the various managerial tasks i must complete.

i must admit that i’m actually considering the macbook air.  maybe i’m just too extreme of a fanboy.  i do see a value in an extremely lightweight "have it everywhere" notebook.  all i really do is use a web browser and watch porn.  curious what everyone thinks, although i’m guessing "you’re an idiot" will be the most common response.

this post wouldn’t be complete without something to rant about.  let me pick a topic at random…  girl scout cookies.  do you think they’d be nearly as popular if they sold year around?  is the success because you can only get them at one time?  i wonder if i could stockpile some and then sell them on ebay in like a few months.  not much of a rant, but it’s all i’ve got right now.

on my way to work every morning, i go over this bridge that requires people to merge from 3 lanes to 2 lanes.  the "lane ends, merge left" signs extend back a mile, and for the most part, *everyone* knows that they need to merge and does so early.

every morning, there’s one or two assholes who decides they will zip all the way up to the merge point and force themselves in.  and some shithead always lets them in.

not me.  i ride the line between the lanes to keep people from passing me.  they can merge and wait an extra 30 seconds just like myself and everyone else did.  if i’m at the merge point i ride the bumper of the person in front of me to make sure assholes can’t get in.  of course, the shithead behind me always lets them in.

i wish people wouldn’t be such dicks.

molly says that this guy reminds her of me…

http://youtube.com/watch?v=jQNKuXkOR0U
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vDj_fGkQKDw

(you’ll now which one…)

who do i remind you of?

seriously…  it was a really, really long time ago.  i hope the entertainment value is worth the embarassment.

many, many, many….  many…. moons ago, i wrote a dissertation on why i felt that fake boobs sucked.  i used to have lots of time to write things back then.  it seemed funny at the time.  it still is funny, but for a completely different set of reasons.

a friend slash almost ex co worker was wayback-machining a few sites while visiting last night, which ultimately led to the find.

enjoy.

fake boobs suck

i believe that fake boobs suck.  seriously.  they do.  after reading this,
i’m quite certain that you will agree.  at this point i’m sure you’re
wondering "gee matt, why do you think that fake boobs suck?  i mean
really, bigger is better right?"  well, no.  don’t get me wrong here – i
like big boobies.  but i also like a nice natural
texture.  mmmmmm….  texture……..  i’ve never
felt a fake boob (that i know of), but i’ve seen them on horrid bad low
budget porn.  when a chic is laying down, her boobs should flatten out
some.  that’s natural.  i like natural.  but, fake boobs stick out.  they
just stay up and look too rounded.  obviously fake.

that’s why i started this site.  me and a friend were flipping through
some channels on a satellite system when we came across porn.  of course
we had to stop and enjoy the display of pure harcore lesbian action that
was colorfully presented in digital quality.  then i saw the boobs.  they
just seemed so…  unnatural?  yeah, that’s the best word i can think of
to describe the horror.  i pity the woman for investing in such a terrible
thing.  big isn’t good when it’s nasty big.  i rather have some nice
naturally textured yet average sized breastestes than some big but overly
bubblish and round ugly boobs. 

seriously guys.  if you’re a female, and you’re considering placing sacks
of fluid in your small but firm breasts, think twice.  that’s just
nasty.  don’t be fake.  i’m sure you’re hot just the way you are, and most
men still want to have sex with you even if your breasts aren’t as big as
the nasty porn stars with round stanky tits.  don’t get a boob job!  fake
boobs suck!  real boobs are nice!  men will want to lick them and play
with them.  if they’re fake, dudes will most likely be horrified at the
bizarre nature of your breasts.  what if they squeeze to hard and you
leak?  you could probably say it’s lactation, but trust me – that won’t
fly. 

not only do real boobs simply look better, but you should be happy with
your natural self.  even if you have tiny little nubbins for breasts,
there are many guys who find that attractive.  hell, i don’t even
care!  i’m not much of a boob man.  also, it’s been proven that the
smaller the boobs, the nicer the ass.  so chances are you have a fantastic
grabbable ass.

also, they’re dangerous.  having fake boobs is dangerous, and makes you a
stank ho.  so you really want to be a stank ho?  i know i wouldn’t like to
be called a stank ho.  that’s why i don’t have fake boobs.  well, that and
i’m a guy.  but guys could get fake boobs.  watch fight club.  meat loaf
had some big titties.  but that’s just wrong.

points to remember:

i don’t like fake boobies

i like big boobies

fake boobies are bad

they’re ugly too

when laying down, your boobs should flatten

if they don’t, they’re fake

if they’re fake, that sucks ass

i don’t have fake boobs

no boobs means nice ass

fake boobs make you a stank ho

fake boobs suck

please note that this is a horrible attempt at being funny while at the
same time making it clear that i really don’t like fake boobs.

update on my diy situation below.

as you’ll read in the comments, i temporarily resurrected diy matt and used a hodge podge setup consisting of freenas, a bootable cd-rom, and a usb flash drive to hold the config. i was able to put together a ~1tb raid5 set and share it with smb.

then the power died, and i lost everything. i was able to get it all back with lots of screwing around, but it took awhile.

and now i have a drobo.

1. You’re infected. Your top 8 has the cure. One must die. Who?
matt will never read this. he’s gone.

11/Sep/2007 09:19:19 INIT: Bye bye: I’m becoming a daemon…